i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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