Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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