Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
