If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
