Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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