I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
