i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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