i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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