There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
