Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
