She's JV to your varsity
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
