very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
