It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
