When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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