I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
