I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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