Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
