Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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