I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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