sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
