I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
