man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
