Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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