i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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