I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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