im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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