i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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