At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
