I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
