I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
