Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
