I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
