i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
