First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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