i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
