Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
