you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
