at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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