sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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