and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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