I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
