I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
