Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
