Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
