I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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