how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
