just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
