I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
