I feel great
I just peed on a car
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
