I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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